45 Fleeting

45 Fleeting

"During that time, he did nothing. He just locked himself in his room and silently stroked his old purple jade flute. The old lady had given it to him because she saw how pitiful he was and that she was in poor health. She said that she might not see him marry and have children, but it could be given to his future wife as a token of their love."

So, you must have already made up your mind when you gave me that flute that day.

"The Heartbreak Grass is incredibly rare; it was around that time that he sent me to Heartbreak Cliff to pick it..."

"He often sat alone at the table, stroking the flute with one hand, and on the table lay the heart-wrenching herb… He would smile, looking at the flute, then frown, looking at the herb, then sigh, then mutter to himself. He taught you only your name from beginning to end, so when he frantically carried you back, covered in blood, calling out 'Fei'er' incessantly, I understood—he had finally waited for this…"

Waiting is terrible; lonely waiting, waiting without any hope, is even more heart-wrenching. The most profound emotions don't fade with time; instead, they deepen the longing.

Drunk for a thousand years, the setting sun was like blood.

Entangled in the gaze of the immortal

I wake alone in the deep, endless night, lost in thought.

The moonlight embroiders my white gauze curtains in the lingering shadows.

See the endless blooming of love flowers

My heart is like water, rippling for you.

In the blink of an eye, twilight had fallen upon the world.

Playing a mournful tune about the vastness of life and death.

I pray to Heaven for my dreams.

I'm just afraid that my dreams will shatter and reality won't be able to catch up.

The desolate distant land in legend

Is love sung?

Time may turn your hair white as frost

Only our love remains, unparalleled in the world.

I'm still waiting in the same old spot.

The Love Flowers of the Valley of Heartbreak Will Remain Fragrant Forever

—I felt that the lyrics to Little Dragon Girl's song were very fitting for this scene. It was while listening to this song that I was able to write about Han Beiming's past.

"...But he didn't take it." I looked at Duan Diyang.

"I don't know what your Mo family said, but he has always felt guilty, thinking that he killed you. He didn't explain clearly when he left, and you misunderstood. He said that if he had explained clearly and asked you to wait for him to come back for you, you might not have died. You died without knowing why, and your body was never found..." Duan Diyang did not answer my question immediately.

My second brother said that when he found the flute among the bones in the wolf den, his heart broke. He blamed himself and blamed himself. If my second brother hadn't left me then, or if he had been kinder to me, I might not have left injured.

So what about you? When you saw my memorial tablet with its black background and white characters, and the lonely flute beside it, what were you thinking? Were you thinking of the things I held onto until my death, or of how, even though I left this world without leaving any trace, the only proof I had was what you gave me? A person I'd known for less than a year, a purple jade flute imbued with deep affection—our paths crossed… I remember that rainy night, when I ran after you, wanting to see you one last time. How desperate I was then, thinking that after that parting, you would never return. So, disregarding my pain, I just wanted to see you one last time. Because for so many years, you were my only friend, the only friend who treated me with sincerity without pity or sympathy. Were you really a friend? Didn't you notice when I kissed you? You must have known, right? How could someone skilled in martial arts not have that kind of alertness? You didn't say anything, didn't expose my embarrassment, but calmly told a lie, not letting me realize that your feelings for me were so deep, even deeper than my feelings for you. Now I finally understand why, when I told you about my deep sibling bond with Fei Yu, your jealous gaze and sour words weren't directed at me, but at Fei Yu. You can be jealous? It's laughable that you can be jealous of Fei Yu. I also finally understand why, when that womanizer was causing such a stir, you chose to sleep beside me, protecting me, instead of taking a step closer to Fei Yu. So, your target has always been me, and your approach to Fei Yu was also because of me? Because Fei Yu is my concern, the reason I stayed in that house. I also remember how you killed that womanizer without hesitation—was it because he took a liking to me and wanted to take me away from that house, or because he noticed my radiance and it made you panic?

Looking back, if you really wanted Fei Yu, you wouldn't have needed to create so much trouble for yourself. You wouldn't have needed to sleep with me, listen to me play the flute, talk to me, protect me, or guard me. You could have just let that flower thief take me away, and then you could have married Fei Yu legitimately and gone back to your father to claim credit.

It's my fault. If I hadn't appeared in your life, you wouldn't have suffered so much, wouldn't have had to bear such immense pain alone. Why did you have to go through all that? Was I worth it? I think I wasn't, not at all. The agony of the poison... when I was being tortured to the point of near death by the poison, you were also suffering terribly for me, feeling like you were living a life worse than death. It turns out, we really were destined to be together...

"He didn't take it because he said, if you knew your only friend chose to forget you, you'd be sad even in the afterlife... He couldn't do that, so he didn't use it. Because he was afraid that even in his dreams, if he saw you alone in the underworld... he would cry..."

"A year passed like this. He received a letter from that Han guy, saying that the young master Mo Fei might not have died back then, but it was uncertain, and he wanted him to go back and help confirm it... He didn't say anything, and immediately got up. Even if there was only a sliver of hope, he wouldn't give up, because after all, your body hadn't been found. Even if there was only a one in ten thousand chance, he wouldn't give up... However, he didn't expect that when he came back, he didn't bring back the flute, he didn't bring back you, he only brought back himself."

"And then?" I smiled, looking at the thick snow, where a few sparrows struggled in their death throes. I used my smile to hide the agonizing pain and panic in my heart, because I saw Han Beiming. His gaze, sometimes filled with loneliness, jealousy, and longing, was directed at me. He didn't want to interrupt my conversation with Duan Diyang, but he wanted to. But he couldn't. Then I saw Bing Zi, who had just returned from outside. Bing Zi smiled and waved at me. His radiant smile and Han Beiming's pain and helplessness, his gentleness and Han Beiming's unwavering resolve, his selfless protection of me and Han Beiming's quiet dedication—why did I only see it all today? It turns out I was the most heartless one, always thinking others had wronged me, when in fact I hadn't seen things clearly.

"He won't take the Heartbreak Herb, you can rest assured. Even if he can't have you, your heart, the innocent times you shared are his most precious memories. He'll never forget you, even though you brought him so much disaster and pain, because he did it willingly... Fei Wu, that Heartbreak Herb... I'm afraid he'll never use it... because he knows that if he forgets you, you'll be sad, you'll be heartbroken. If he could, he'd rather suffer for you than make things difficult for you. He won't force you, because he doesn't want you to be sad... Senior Bing Zi won't force you, because they both love you deeply, Fei Wu. Although I also... I ask heaven and earth, my feelings can never compare to Bei Ming's, my sacrifices can never compare to Bing Zi's... Fei Wu, think it over carefully. Even if it hurts one of them, it's better than making two people sad at the same time, right?"

"...Our conversation today is known only to heaven, earth, you, and me." I smiled, turned away, not looking at Han Beiming's expression, not looking at the gentle Bing Zi, not looking at the worried Duan Diyang. I tilted my head back, high up, thinking that this way my tears wouldn't fall, and they wouldn't be able to see my tears.